You may have noticed a total lack of posts over the last week and I have no excuse other than “I just… couldn’t.” As per usual, I had taken on too many things and I was really feeling the pressure.
Whenever I stopped to think about all the things I had to do, I would get this awful sinking feeling in my stomach, and I’d get a wave of anxiety sweep over me. I felt tired, run down and lethargic. I was unmotivated, and I just didn’t want to do anything. Which makes it worse really, because my problems and tasks are still there, building up, while I was sitting there ignoring them pretending I was fine.
Pretending that I am fine is a really terrible habit I have. It doesn’t matter if I’m running around like a mad woman trying to get things done, or if I’m falling asleep on the couch after dinner because I’m so drained, I will still try to convince myself and to others I am fine. And it’s such an unhealthy thing to do.
Yesterday evening after dinner I found myself wanting to hide away in our bedroom. Jared found me in there and asked what was wrong and I couldn’t tell him. Even after almost 5 years together, I still couldn’t tell him I wasn’t fine. He ended up joining me in there, with our little Severus and we watched cartoons together.
It was only this morning though, that I realised I still hadn’t told him what was wrong, or how I felt. And how could I when I didn’t even like telling it to myself? It was apparent to me then that my issue was that I really struggled to admit that I wasn’t fine at times because to me that felt like that made me feel like a failure. But in reality, it doesn’t make me a failure at all, it just makes me human really.
It was a real eye opener noticing that. And once I noticed that, I couldn’t help thinking back on all the times I’ve done in the last week and just in life in general. I love to think positively and look to the brighter side in situations, it’s one of the things I really enjoy doing. But I tend to forget sometimes that I am only human, and as humans we experience emotions that are more than just positive ones, and I should never beat myself for it. As humans, we feel anger, we feel sadness, we feel the whole spectrum. And despite how great we are, we still aren’t built to do every-single-thing.
After admitting all that to myself, I started to feel so much better. Like a weight had been taken off my shoulders. The burden of having to be perfect all the time had been lifted from me, and though I felt more vulnerable, I felt liberated. And although I still had things to do, I felt better knowing that I may not be fine at the moment, but I will get through it.
I told Jared about it today too, and he was incredibly supportive. He knew something was wrong last night, but figured I would tell him when I was ready. He didn’t think I was a failure, he just wanted to help.
I’m sharing this today to show you that I am not by any means a superhero. I am just a girl trying to juggle a full time job, full time study, blogging and life and keep her sanity at the same time. I love my life most days, and I still would not trade it for the world. But I am still human, with all of my insecurities, my doubts and my fears of failure. I hope that by sharing this, it is a little reminder to you that is ok to not be Super Woman. It is ok to ask for help. And it is ok to not be ok sometimes. You are not a failure, you are just going through a rough patch and you will get through it.
Pour yourself a glass of wine tonight, have a bath, open up to your partner and let them know you’re not ok and you need a hug/dinner/a big block of chocolate. And above all, just rest yourself. You’ve worked hard, take a break!
So I’m being gentle with myself today. If I am up for it (and if this rain clears a little), I’m going for a run after work. If I’m not up for it just, that’s ok too and I won’t beat myself up for it. I’ve also asked Jared if we can spend the night together with gluten free pizza from our new favourite local pizza joint Mancini’s, eat it in bed with Severus and a good chick flick. He of course said yes. I’m so excited! Tomorrow I will kick ass with my studies, blog and work. But today, I’m doing something for the soul.
Before I go, I’ll leave you on this quote that I saw on the Hungry Runner Girl‘s blog today which was the icing on the cake for me:
P.S I do want to make a note here though, that if you have been feeling this more often than not, than it is a good idea to speak to someone about it. Someone like your doctor or healthcare practitioner. You should never be ashamed of having depression, anxiety or other mental health conditions, or for seeking help for it. You are not alone, you are loved and you are worthy! x